My parents allowed me to spend a week's worth of my summer vacation in Antique. My two aunts, Imelda and Analyn and my uncle were going home. I readily agreed since I'm pretty close to my aunts. I didn't mind having them for company. I enjoyed my time there. That was the time I lost my balance while walking along the rice paddies and I fell right into the muddy water. On the way home from the farm, I slipped down a muddy path leading to a river hidden by old trees. My aunt who was holding my hand ended up in a puddle with me so we went home all muddy. It was in the middle of May and the rainy season was starting. It poured every afternoon and my cousins would run out to take a bath in the streets with friends. On a rather sunny day, we commuted to a beach about an hour or two away from our town. I saw our old pictures in my grandparents' house last March.

I was pretty sad when we had to leave. My lola burst into tears before we boarded the jeepney going to San Jose and I sobbed all throughout until we got to the river leading out of Valderrama. We already heard the news that there was a typhoon. It didn't hit Panay Island directly but it brought about heavy rains. I felt wary about leaving. I was talking my aunts into staying for another day. They told me that it was perfectly safe to travel back to Manila. We ended up crossing the river by jeepney. It felt just like an adventure. I saw the wide expanse of the river where streams of water kept rushing past and we ambled our way to the other side. I did feel a bit scared of water flooding the river and bouncing us from our town to the sea. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my time traveling from one town to another. The ship was set to leave by lunch time so we stopped over my Kuya Warren's house. Though related to my cousin only through my parents' marriage, my aunts have a good relationship with him because they stayed in their house when they were in secondary school in San Jose. Kuya Warren introduced me to Ate Joy and we spent the whole morning in their house. Before going back to Kuya's house, we stopped by a store where he bought me two canisters of PikNik. After eating lunch, Kuya drove us to the pier. People were milling around the place seeing relatives and friends off. It's pretty much the port you see in Tagalog movies where kids jump into the water when you throw coins. You see coconut trees and houses dotting the coastline. The ships that ply the Manila-Antique route are small in size. They cannot match the ones going to Cebu or Iloilo. A lot of people were traveling back to Manila including Kuya's cousin on his mother's side who he introduced to us. My aunt Analyn warmed up to him so they spent the whole time talking. I was telling my aunts to just leave the next day because the skies were dark. Kuya took my side because he wanted me to stay so we could drive around town. My aunts put their foot down. We were leaving for Manila because it was safe to go. We traveled economy and we ended up on those folding beds placed on the sides because the double-deck beds were already occupied by people. Fine by me because I was busy being sad about the departure. I didn't really care where I slept. The pathetic thing about it was that the beds were placed opposite the bathroom doors. That was okay with me because I love going to the washrooms anyway. I remember looking wistfully out the balcony at the people and the place. I love my province to death no matter how poor it is. Kuya stood there waving and smiling at us. I waved back at him but I was controlling the tears from falling. I felt really depressed about leaving. When the people were just tiny dots in the distance, I settled in my bed and nibbled on a canister of PikNik. My aunt Imelda decided to lie down because traveling by sea made her sick. My aunt Analyn was somewhere with Kuya's cousin.

It wasn't raining. The sea was calm. I was quiet all throughout. I wanted to get home to my brothers because I had stories to tell. Before the sun set, we got to another pier which I later found out was in Culasi, Antique. We spent about 30 minutes to an hour there. I remember the orangey sky, the setting sun and the calm sea. Our beds were by the balcony so it was not hard to look out. A few minutes after departing Culasi, there were no stars in the sky. I heard rumbling from a distance. How could the weather change that fast? The rains just started coming down. The men brought the 'trapal' down so we wouldn't get wet. My aunt Imelda took a Bonamine tablet and went to bed. The ship started to pitch violently. I wanted to go up to the captain's cabin and beg him to go back to Culasi where the sea was calm and where we would be a lot safer.

We didn't go back. I remember seeing my aunt Imelda sitting up and almost puking her guts out. She barfed the Bonamine tablet out. She filled my empty canister of PikNik with vomit. It felt like eternity. The ship would tilt to the left and I would hold my breath thinking whether it would completely capsize. I would only start breathing normally when it would tilt back to the right then I knew that it was rolling along with the waves. I could hear the waves roaring outside and the rains lashing hard against the 'trapal'. I felt woozy but I didn't puke. Unfortunately, a lot of people ended up puking in the bathroom. The floors were filled with vomit and they made their way near our beds. It was disgusting, terrifying and shocking. You don’t feel icky when you're in the middle of the sea on a stormy night being tossed about by the waves. You won't even have the strength to complain about several discomforts. It was a nightmare. I couldn't cry because that would look like I was confronting the possibility of death. I knew it was dark outside and the ship was just a speck in the sea. I didn't know where we were but I was sure we were far away from Manila. We just left Antique a few hours ago. My aunt Analyn and Kuya's cousin arrived from the upper level of the ship. They sat on my aunt's bed and talked. My aunt told me to lie down. My aunt Imelda was pale at that time because of motion sickness and I didn't want to add to her troubles so I stayed put. I heard people puking inside the bathroom. Only a few walked around and it wasn't because they were socializing.

I didn't know how long I had my eyes closed before I heard the voice from the speakers. Somebody was already praying the Hail Mary. It was a recording but I felt so terrified. Why do we need to pray? Are we going to die? Is there a strong possibility that we need to jump off the ship into the dark waves? Those were the thoughts that crept into my mind. No tears came. I only prayed a short prayer that begged God to please make me get to Manila alive because I wanted to see my brothers. I was only 12 years old. I didn't know how to swim. I didn't know what to do with our stuff. Only a 'trapal' separated me from the sea. After a few hours of panic and fright, we got to Manila. I am still alive but I now have a habit of staring at the how the waves hit the sides of the ship whenever we travel by sea. I try to get over the trauma by looking at the water for a long, long time. You'll know if the water is deep when you can't see the bottom of the sea. The water no matter how calm and clean would look really dark.

***

Now that another ship has gone down and the 28 survivors so far have been found in a coastal town in Quezon 5-6 hours away from where it sunk in Romblon, wouldn't you be traumatized? It was heartbreaking when I heard one survivor relate how he jumped off the ship and 'naiwan yung mga matatanda'.

I want to slap that Coast Guard official silly when he told GMA during a phone conversation that the ship was allowed to leave the port because it was Signal # 1 in Manila. Punyeta! Signal # 1 sa Manila pero sa Visayas Signal # 3. My god. The ship was going to Cebu. How stupid can you people get?! Dapat siya ang hinagis dun sa dagat para hampasin ng alon. Grrr...