beauty inside and out.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

You're Just Too Good To Be True

I was my usual bitchy, tense self a few days ago. I spent an hour after shift listening to a senior agent drone on and on about updates for the program. I was so annoyed at his nervous gestures while speaking in front of us. He kept tapping on the screen and keyboard. I wanted to give him pointers on how to train people. His eyes flitted here and there. No eye contact from the guy. To top it all off, my head was pounding. Lack of sleep gives me headaches and I was sure it would worsen when I leave the building. I hate walking under the heat of the sun. I hate the prickly feeling on my skin. The fact that I was not into the training/meeting greatly added to my anxiety. After taking the quiz and getting a perfect score, I hurriedly left with Erika expecting to be stuck in Coastal Road for the counterflow.

Imagine my surprise when I boarded an almost empty bus to Dasma and found out that the counterflow stopped an hour ago. Off to Coastal Road we go and I listened to Rhea Santos' voice announcing the day's news on Unang Hirit. Then she said the words that left my mouth hanging open. Iniimbestigahan ng pulisya ang pagkamatay ng bida ng Brokeback Mountain na si Heath Ledger.

My heart stopped for a second there and I found mysef sending messages to friends.

omg, heath ledger died. waaaahhh!

I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain. Not because I don't like the film, but because I simply do not have time to go out and watch movies. I bought a cd of 10 Things I Hate About You years ago and I have seen Heath Ledger serenade Julia Stiles with 'Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You' a hundred times. Well, not really a hundred, but just enough to fall in love with him from the time he started singing, swinging down the pole and dancing right out there in the open field. I loved him. His curly hair, his Australian accent and his light, easy smile. I saw him in The Patriot too. Two films. But I didn't forget him. I have foreign actors I like. I don't fall head over heels in love with them, dream of them or wish to see them personally even. I just adore them from a distance if that's what you can call watching their shows and films on television.

I lapped up every article in the internet about Heath and his death. I watched 10 Things I Hate About You about four times already. I would repeat his singing scene all over again until I got so sick of it. It just breaks my heart everytime I read about how he doted on his daughter, Matilda Rose and how he was happy during the last days of his life. I can never imagine him taking his own life. For now, I will think of it as an accident. Tragic, heartbreaking...

My brothers and I will watch The Dark Knight in the theater when it opens in the Philippines. I will probably cry more than get excited upon seeing him still alive and getting into the role of The Joker.

I still have my 10 Things I Hate About You cd. I can watch and listen to him sing all day if I want to. I hope they're as entranced with your voice as I am, Heath. May the angels get as giddy with excitement as I do when I hear the first lines of the song…

You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you

Heathcliff Andrew Ledger

4 April 1979- 22 January 2008

About having a child:

"You're forced into kind of, respecting yourself more," he said. :"You learn more about yourself through your child, I guess. I think you also look at death differently. It's like a Catch-22: I feel good about dying now because I feel like I'm alive in her, you know, but at the same hand, you don't want to die because you want to be around for the rest of her life.”

Heath with Matilda

Matilda's footprints with her name scrawled by Heath outside their home

About growing up with his mom and his sisters:
"I learned respect for women, and patience. You grow up with all those women around you...you learn to wait your turn." - Cosmopolitan, June 1998

feistylittle bitch
1:25 PM

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Excited over 2008

There's something about the media noche that makes me happy and nostalgic. It's the one occasion my family and I look forward to. When I was a kid, I'd spend my time watching television, praying (yes, I used to say my prayers about not getting killed by stray bullets) and eating. I would also sometimes sleep so I would have the energy to jump as high as I could when the clock strikes 12. The elders say it would add inches to my height. What a joke! My brothers tower over me now. I can't even be a flight attendant because I'm petite.

Since working in a call center would mean being in the office during the holidays, I filed for vacation leaves as early as June 10. I was at home for the noche buena, December 30 and January 1. I was irked when I saw that they signed me up to work on December 31 from 4:30 to 11:00 PM. Fortunately, my dad had some things to finish in the office until 7:00 so he agreed to pick me up after my shift. I was supposed to ask them to drive from Cavite to Makati like three years ago. The agents from Dell E-care had work on the 31st until about 8:00 PM. Vayie and I walked to Starmall to wait for my parents who dropped off a sack of rice and fruits in my aunt's house in Montalban, Rizal.

I was so excited about celebrating with my family that I failed to get some sleep the whole day. I felt dizzy but I didn't feel sleepy. I had to take Advil when I got to work so I could function properly. I need to get some sleep before working because I would have palpitations if I don't. Only Owen, Chris, Arcie, Brian, Zack, Majo and Joni went to work. Our other teammates were either on leave or absent. I wore a yellow coverup over a white camisole and a pair of shoes with stripes in different colors. I always buy new outfits with stripes for the New Year. It's one tradition I follow. I don't know if it's true that wearing shirts with stripes and polka dots would bring one lots of money. I always manage to make myself broke after anyway.

The night went by in a blur. I remember taking calls and answering emails, eating crackers, nuggets and fries in McDonald's for lunch. People were scampering to buy food before the fastfood closes at 8:00 PM. I sent my dad a message at 9:00 PM asking him to wait for me in front of Mini Stop in Pasong Tamo. A few minutes before 11:00, I had my stuff packed and my headset and mug tucked inside my locker. At exactly 11:00, I picked up my huge bag and made a run for it. I passed by Gi's station to wait for her so we could take the elevator together. Her boyfriend, Karl was waiting outside. When we got to the street between our building and the condominium beside it, we saw Karl and his family who were packed in a red car. He greeted me as I dialed my dad's number because I couldn't see our car parked anywhere in Mini Stop. He parked pala on the other side of the street with Milbert, a guy who used to work for my parents in Mindoro. I sat in the passenger's seat, tried to fasten my seatbelt but found it stuck so I gave up trying. My dad told me that we would be passing by Villamor and not EDSA like I thought. I didn't recognize Pasong Tamo Extension anymore. The last time I went there was when I was in second year high school and I visited my friends in Makati Hope. My dad slowed the car down a little when we got in front of my old school. I looked at it longingly while thinking of the wonderful memories. I gazed at the sidewalk going to my mom's office building and I was happy to see that it was still covered with dry leaves from a tree that was there since I was in kindergarten. Same scene as before. I saw Karrivin Plaza formerly Sarmiento Building II. There's a Starbucks in the ground floor and I was brought back to the old times when I used to roam around the building going on errands for my mom. People used to know me there because of her. When I went back wearing my high school uniform, they all oohed and aahed over how big I've grown. They probably remember me as the kid who wore headbands and was always hanging around to wait for her mom to go home. My dad was as excited as I was. Maybe because he was always proud of me for surviving in a Chinese school when nobody speaks Chinese at home. Haha!

After dropping off Milbert in Villamor, my dad and I went straight to Baclaran to get to Roxas Boulevard. I was fidgeting in my seat looking out the car window for fireworks being placed in the street. Some people have this bad habit of hurling firecrackers at passing vehicles so we drove carefully. We saw some people waiting for public utility vehicles in MIA road. I was surprised to see that there were other people stuck outside their homes on an occasion like that. When we got to Coastal Road, we found an empty expressway. Our car was the only one that passed through the toll plaza. I felt bad for the people who had to stay working there. It reminded me of the Jollibee commercial.

driving by Coastal Road on New Year's eve

the Christmas tree in Bacoor

By the time we entered the vicinity of Bacoor, fireworks were already going off in the dark sky. My dad kept asking me for the time fearing that we won't make it home in time. I gave my wristwatch nervous glances when we got to Imus. He wanted to pass by Tito Arnel's house but decided not to when he found out that we had less than 20 minutes. When we were nearing Malagasang in Imus, beautiful fireworks just appeared right on top of Dasma. I realized how beautiful it was to be out in the open because I had a clear view of the sky. Kit asked me to buy firecrackers in stalls near the highway to add to the ones my mom bought earlier but nobody was selling firecrackers anymore. I texted Gladz to greet her and she asked me where I was. I told her we were near the village and she told me that I would make it home to be with my family. True enough, when my dad maneuvered our car into our street, I saw my neighbors celebrating outside. It was already 12. I got out of the car and ran towards our gate where my brothers were standing. Gem told me he liked my shoes as I handed him my bag so I could take pictures using my phone.

the fountain Kit lit when I got home

It was a beautiful media noche. After we finished lighting all our firecrackers and fountains, we went inside to eat. We had carbonara, chicken macaroni salad, mocha cake, chocolate mousse, halayang ube, valenciana, crispy pata, fruits and chocolates. I ate my fill and went inside my room to change into my pajamas. I dozed off and woke up at 5:00 AM.

***

To-do list

I am excited about the year of the rat. I started scribbling important things on my planner and I had an agreement with my college buddies and Augy to save money this year and travel. I have a lot of things to look forward to this year and I know this one is going to be a lot better than 2007. Far better than any year I've spent as an adult. Cheers!

my mom's small hoard of chocolates from Makro

a gift for my mom that she decided to give to me. Definitely one of my favorite bags due to the size.

feistylittle bitch
3:30 AM

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Life's Little Blessings

Never let the things you want make you forget the things that you already have.

This is a high school friend's shoutout in Friendster. It is equivalent to a slap in the face when we complain about the things that are happening to us (and those that are not happening at all) or we forget to thank God for every bit of blessing we get from Him. It shook me awake. I have been listing the things that I want to achieve and get this year that I failed to be grateful for what I have - a happy family, a cozy home, supportive and reliable friends, a loving boyfriend and a nice-paying job (that I whine about most of the time because I want more moolah).

Sometimes we think that we are not getting enough out of life or that we deserve more than what we have. It is sometimes frustrating to work so hard and not get that close to what we are hoping to achieve in life. What I've learned though is that God gives us what we need and not what we THINK we need. He knows what's good for us. I, for one would continue working my ass off and reach for every little dream that would come closest to my grasp. Fortunately, I have learned to smile more and whine less. My temper is yet to be controlled but that would be conquered next.

***

I love life. I love being alive. I love coming home on my rest days and spending the whole time in bed or watching television with my brothers. I love looking at them and seeing how big they've grown. I love snuggling under my warm blanket and feeling my warm pajamas. I love Fridays with Augy wherein we would pig out and talk over Shanghai chicken, siomai and Yang Chow rice in North Park. I love talking to my friends and laughing with them. I love dreaming. As long as there are dreams to look forward to, life and its troubles won't seem too difficult to handle.

***

Summer is fast approaching and I am going to make the most out of it with my loved ones. I'm going to file as much vacation leaves as I can to prepare for outings with my family.

***

Oh yes, I struggle with my weight problems and I am starting to think that I am becoming anorexic. Imagine staring at your face in the mirror one minute and seeing how pudgy it is then after a minute, you look again and see that it's just the right size. I am crazy.

feistylittle bitch
11:15 AM

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Holidays, baby!

The chocolate mousse beckons while I'm writing this but I refuse to give in. I've been eating carbonara and chicken macaroni salad like there's no tomorrow. Let's just say that I'm refusing to think about tomorrow when I have to exercise just to lose the extra pounds all the food earned me.

Christmas was okay. My teammates were upset about not having vacation leaves for Christmas. I understand how sad it is to not be home while your whole family's eating noche buena and exchanging presents. I was lucky to have approved leaves for December. The account was closed on December 25 so I had a day to rest at home.

I had work on the 23rd and the customers were the worst they could ever be on a cold December night. Nothing could dampen my mood though. I was happy with the thought of going home and checking all the food we will have for noche buena.

When I got home, I was told that we would have spaghetti, fruit salad and cake for noche buena. A simple meal for Christmas. New Year always gets the top priority even in cooking. I did a few exercises and went to bed. I woke up in the afternoon to the sound of voices in the living room. My cousins arrived a few hours earlier and were starting to get quite comfy in the living room. Quincy would grab the gold Christmas balls and ask Jeof how much each would cost. Jeof only knew one amount- five thousand. They did the same routine several times in a night.

My lola prevented them from demolishing the whole tree by threatening them to get a spanking with a stick. What a way to celebrate Christmas. We took pictures as usual while watching television, messaging friends and getting naps in between. We coaxed Jeof to dance the Kagat Labi steps that he sees in Eat Bulaga. Don't you just love it when kids appear nice and cute for a couple of hours?

My aunt had work until 10 in the evening but she arrived at 11 after taking the last bus ride from Lawton going to Cavite. Quin asked me where her presents were. I told her that my lola kept them because if I tell them that all the presents were under the tree, she will tear every plastic branch apart just to sneak a peek under it. A few minutes before 12, they got really impatient. Jeof kept standing up and asking me for his presents. I told him to go to my lola who was sleeping in their room. I peeked through the door while he nudged my lola and said, "12 na. Regalo ko?" My lola told him that it wasn't 12 yet and he had to wait. He entered the room a few times and asked my lola the same question until it was 12. They unwrapped the presents happily and wore each outfit to check the sizes. It was a pleasant sight. It was the first time my aunt spent the holidays with us since she got married.

The next day, we ate the leftover food and my aunt decided to order pizza from Pizza Hut. I had a new Palm Card that I paid for a few weeks before Christmas. We tried the Triple Chicken pizza which we didn't find delicious. The cheesy pops and free pizza made us happy campers though. We spent the rest of the day watching television, talking, eating and in my brothers' case, playing Playstation games.

I slept throughout the afternoon. I thought I was dreaming when I heard voices talking. My lola told me that before my cousins left, they entered the room to say goodbye. Sweet. I was too sleepy to open my eyes though.

feistylittle bitch
4:00 AM

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Banishing 2007's Demons

2007 was a year of turmoil for me. I'm pertaining to my relationship and work. I was brimming with negativity last year from the time it started. Thankfully, I've had some realizations by the last quarter which saved me from woes. My demons, laziness and procrastination will not make a comeback in the year 2008. I will do everything in my power to achieve my goals with the help of Augy and my friends. I will turn my plans into reality. Seriously.

2008 is the time....

~to banish negativity

~to value my work

~to love my family more

~to appreciate my loved one

~to stop procrastinating

~to stop envying others (but instead to improve on my life)

~to explore career improvements

~to simply clean my room once every two months (it's a major feat)

~to travel more (one country, one province, one city, one culture at a time)

~to save (and give in to some indulgences once in a while)

~to get eyeglasses so that I don't have to squint most of the time

~to finally wear braces (and go to dental checkups)

~to invest on something lucrative

~to engage in a new hobby

~to love myself more (curves, bulges and all)

~to value every experience and learn from it (may it be good or bad)

~to finally learn the very challenging virtue of patience

~to control my temper and acid tongue (which damaged quite a few feelings)

~to compliment people and to be happy for their blessings

~to smile and laugh more

~to be content (it is a constant struggle)

~to live within my means

~to read more

~to have a time for prayer

~to renew old ties

~to spend time with friends

~to stop whining and instead to focus on what I can do

~to start writing again (scribbles, gobbledygook, anything from my mind)

~to learn from my past mistakes

~to get enough sleep (migraines are punishing to the core)

~to be happy for what I am, who and what I have and what I will achieve in the future

feistylittle bitch
11:43 PM