beauty inside and out.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

For Her..

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honore de Balzac

The desolation and terror of, for the first time, realizing that the mother can lose you, or you her, and your own abysmal loneliness and helplessness without her. ~Francis Thompson

I could never be like my mother. I don't know where she gets the strength to work her ass off to pay for the bills, my brothers' tuition and other expenses that I can never muster paying alone if I were in her position. My mother keeps our home whole. My brothers would attest to that. We have so much respect for our mother who is far stronger than any man could be. I would be in a limbo if not for her guidance. At the age of 26, I still look back to my mother for advices, for support and even for money. There is always that fear of losing my mother and not knowing what to do with my family. I may be the eldest child but I still have not learned the lessons that my mom probably has a lot of throughout her life. She grew up in the province but she knows far more than I who lived in Manila all her life. She is a simple woman who leaves the house wearing only powder and lipstick. She doesn't have eyeshadow, concealer or any other cosmetic at home and she depends on other people to pluck her eyebrows, but eversince I was a child, she has always been the most beautiful woman I've ever known. I envy her smooth skin which used to be so fair until sun exposure made it brown. Yes, she doesn't know much about beauty regimens than I do but she knows far more valuable things than any woman I know.

My mother and I have never been expressive of our feelings, but I guess she knows how much I love her and how much my brothers appreciate her. Without my mother life would not be as beautiful as it is today. We would never enjoy all the luxuries and comforts we have now. We wouldn't be who we are if not for her guidance.

Happy 49th birthday to the strongest, loveliest woman I know!

My mom and dad in Canyon Woods. The plastic she was holding was filled with the trash I left after eating peanuts. After all these years, she would still pick up after me.

feistylittle bitch
9:05 AM

Sunday, July 29, 2007

When Horrible Things Happen

On Wednesday night, Erika told me about the latest rape case she saw in Unang Hirit. It's the closest thing we have to getting wind of current events everyday after work when we're too harried to read newspapers. We usually look at the victims somewhat detached from their emotions. We sort of become mechanical after hearing and seeing a lot. But when you come so close to being violated yourself, you feel anger, fear and revulsion. Much like what they would have felt at those certain points in their lives.

I've experienced being liked by men in their twenties and thirties when I was in the fifth grade, harassed by a weird man when i was in first year high school, stalked when I was in fourth year and other horrible things that would make moms bang their pans right at men's faces. I've always felt anger towards people who dared make passes at me. I never thought that at this age, somebody would still harass me at some point. I can stand stares, catcalls and other lewd comments but this one incident was too much.

I left the house early last Thursday. I vowed to improve on my attendance which I can proudly say I was able to accomplish in the last two weeks. My tummy was acting up but I was determined to make it to work on time so I endured that pain and rode a jeepney to the bus stop. I flagged down an Erjohn and Almark bus which had a handful of passengers. I chose a seat in the middle seeing that there were no other passengers right behind me. I was delighted at the thought of taking a nap without anybody bothering me. I paid for my fare, took out the shimmery orange shawl my mom gave me and covered my chest and arms with it. I didn't mind if the conductor didn't give me my change right away because I was sure he would rouse me from sleep anyway. I slept well until we got to the toll gate. The conductor approached me to apologise about taking so long to give me my change. I told him it was okay and smiled sincerely. I can be nice too you know. I noticed this guy who was sitting across from the guy in front of me. He looked at me. I looked away suddenly feeling irritated. I could see him staring at me so I looked at him and what he was wearing. He had on a uniform like those worn by guys studying to be seamen or something. His pants weren't white like they were supposed to be. What a shame I thought. My lola would be horrified if Gem wore something in that murky shade. I looked away again. I contented myself with staring at the window. Then he asked me for the time just as the bus crossed the intersection in MIA road.

Him: Miss, anong oras na?
Me: 7pm. (in a somewhat snooty tone)
Him: ....Pasay?
Me: Ano? Saan na tayo? (looking baffled and irritated)
Him: Baba tayo sa Pasay?
Me: Ano?!

I felt blood rising up to my head in annoyance. He looked as if he wanted to jump out of his seat and grab me. He was seemingly wiping the skin near his lower lip. I hated the look in his eyes. It didn't look right anymore from my point of view. For the first time since I was in fourth year high school, I felt fear. It was a situation that left me so nervous. He then said the words that made me panic.

Him: May masasakyan ba tayo pag bumaba tayo sa Lawton?

He was different from the others I've encountered before. He wasn't contented with just stripping a girl naked with his eyes. Iba gusto niya gawin. I looked into his eyes and I knew it would be hard for me to fend him off. I wanted to jump right out of my skin. It somehow gave me enough courage to hold onto my stuff. He stood up and gathered his backpack and an instrument wrapped in thick white cardboard. He stood right in my path, in the space left for me to pass through from my seat and the armrest on it. He wanted to shove me into my seat or he wanted to squirm into the really tight space beside me. The man in front was startled by his suddent movements and took to looking at us. It was my chance to stand up, shove the maniac and run for it. The cardboard thingy fell to the floor and he was distracted. He picked it up just as I was pushing my way to a vacant seat in front. I wanted to text Augy but I knew he was asleep. I needed somebody who was near Libertad. I texted Brendo, my ex-seminarian friend and my supervisor, Ren. I told Brendo about the man, where I was and described what he was wearing just in case. I told Ren simply that there was a man harassing me and I felt scared. When the bus stopped in Libertad, I scurried out the door and jumped down the last step feeling a pain in my ankle which I ignored. I saw a bus bound for Ayala and I srambled inside praying that he wouldn't follow me. Everytime I saw somebody in white, I could feel my heart lurching up my throat. I felt myself shaking and I felt like shedding tears of relief. All I wanted to do at that time was go home and tell my mom and lola everything that happened. At 26, I suddenly turned into a little girl who needed a little courage and a bit of assurance that I was going to be okay. I was a bit shaky when I went to Watson's to buy some stuff. My friend, Chris noticed that I wasn't myself. Every one from my team expressed their concern at the thought of me getting harassed or worse being forcibly taken from that bus. I stopped myself from crying when I was talking to Augy on the phone.I can't take the bus ever thinking that I would be safe like before. Maybe that guy wasn't from Cavite. I remembered what a bus driver shouted at a suspicious-looking man he forced to get down from the bus one time on the way home.

Hindi ka taga-rito no? Dito samin pag gumawa ka ng ganyan, di ka lalabas ng buhay.

I usually feel braver when I'm in Cavite at the thought that anybody who touches me or hurts me in any way would be minced meat before he can escape. But that incident made me realize that it won't make things okay for my family if I were abducted or something. I'm the only daughter and I can only imagine my family's grief if anything happened to me so I would stick to my vow of fighting back if necessary or making sure I go home alive. Matira ang matibay. Sabi ko nga eh. Hindi ako ang tatakbo nang walang suot na tsinelas palabas ng Cavite. Never.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Morning after that harrowing incident. Thankful to be safe.

***

On a happier note, Augy and I spent time together today. He bought me a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It made my day. It took away the terrifying memory of that Thursday night. Augy truly knows how to make me happy. That is why I didn't throw a tantrum this time.

Waiting for our pizza at Yellow Cab

feistylittle bitch
3:32 AM

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Weekend Treats

My brother, Gem and I are Harry Potter fans. We're not like those who only started 'loving' Harry Potter right after the first film came out. Hmp.

One example would be this feeling sosy mom inside a theater in Robinson's Imus. She was sitting behind me and my brothers when we watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I never forgot this scene because I've never encountered such a pretentious person until that time.

When the dragon egg hatched and out came the little dragon, she exclaimed in a loud, haughty voice with matching trying hard American accent...

Oh, oh! It's a pterodactyl!!!

Ummm...we're not watching Jurassic Park, miss.

Gem sniggered and I rolled my eyes. I love doing that. Rolling my eyes at people and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Hehe.

I saw the book review of Harry Potter in Junior Inquirer's Iggy Ipis column years ago. I bought my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in Harrison Plaza when the J.S Vergara buses still had their terminal there. I got so addicted to it that when the second book came out, I snagged a copy after saving my meager allowance. That was before Christmas. Big mistake though because a few weeks after, I saw a wrapped present under the Christmas tree. I held it against the light because it wasn't placed inside a box. Lo and behold! It was a second copy of the book. I didn't want to upset my mom so I begged Kat to buy my first copy. It still looked as good as new. Maingat nga ako sa books eh. When it came time to open the presents, I pretended to be ecstatic upon seeing the book. Hehe. At first, I had to threaten and scold Gem to read Harry Potter until he finally did on his own accord. He was hooked. Both of us haven't seen Spider-man, Superman or even Tranforsmers in the big screen but we've never missed a Harry Potter movie. I had to drag him to SM Dasma last week just to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix because all he wanted to do was study for his exams.

When we got to the mall, we headed to the theater first and was appalled at the number of people lined up outside. There were several queues that I didn't know whether they were for Transformers or Harry Potter. I managed to ask the guard and found out that the kids standing outside were there for the Angel Locsin movie. It was a field trip. I called Kit on the phone because he was still on his way to the mall from school. I asked him if he wanted to watch the movie with us and he said yes. I got us tickets for the 4:50 pm screening. Gem and I walked around the mall. I bought six pink underwear, bath scrubs and flipflops in the department store. We went to the Surplus shop where I saw pretty pink and green boardshorts. But because I am voluptuous and those shorts were made for thin women, they only came up to my thighs when I tried them on. Sayang ang effort.

Kit met up with us outside the store and we proceeded to other shops. Gem bought a bag in Human and Kit found this expensive beautiful shirt in Oxygen. Of course, ate had to pay for it. I promise not to be stingy anymore may it be with my brothers, my parents, lola or Augy. Hahaha.

At 4:00 pm, we decided to buy takeout at Wendy's. I bought bacon cheeseburgers for them, Biggie iced tea, Biggie fries and a cheeseburger for me. Kit bought me a bottle of mineral water from a hotdog stall. After months of not eating burgers, I finally had to give in. I was starving and I couldn't find a fastfood store where I don't have to queue up for minutes. We were in a hurry to find seats because the lady who gave me the tickets warned us that 'all seats were taken'. I shoved my brothers inside the dark, cold theater, handed them the food and went to the washroom. The usher told us that people had to sit by the aisle due to lack of seats. I was ready to endure that when Kit luckily found us three vacant seats. The people who entered before us gave up looking around because of the dark and the large number of moviegoers that they missed those three seats. We entered just in time to see the last scene. Gem looked away and just nibbled on his burger. Kit and I ate fries and talked.

Gem and I took pictures. Kit didn't want to be included in any one of them. Hehe.

I found the movie better than the Prisoner of Azkaban. However, they didn't include some parts about Sirius like the time he went to the train station to say goodbye to Harry and his friends before they rode the Hogwarts Express. He transformed into Padfoot, the big dog and he bounded beside the train. It was heartwarming for me because it was like he didn't want to let go of Harry. He was alone with that horrid elf, Kreacher in 12 Grimmauld Place and he couldn't do anything useful for the Order of the Phoenix. Imagine the despair and the loneliness. They didn't show the part where Sirius gave Harry a mirror that he used to communicate with James, Harry's dad when they were in separate detention rooms. Harry unwrapped it after his death and in his desperation, he tried to look at it in the hopes of talking to Sirius. Of course, Sirius didn't have the other mirror with him when he died so Harry saw nothing.

Another missing emotional part would be Neville Longbottom's determination to learn defensive magic after some Death Eaters including Bellatrix Lestrange escaped from Azkaban. It struck a chord due to the fact that Neville knew that Bellatrix was the one who tortured his parents until they went totally mad. I interpreted it as a son wanting to give his parents the justice they deserve.

The Harry Potter series has turned more emotional than I expected. I specially would love to see Remus Lupin finally getting a job to support himself. I can't bear reading about his shaggy clothes and stuff. Sheer injustice not to have beautiful, comfortable clothes. Well, Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius' niece (because Tonks' mom, Andromeda is his favorite cousin) fell in love with him so I guess it's better than being rich.

I can't buy the last book yet because I'm broke. I'm itching to get a copy by next month. I hope Sirius would have a way of communicating with Harry. I love Sirius as much I love Dumbledore and both of their deaths upset me a lot.

A wonderful part was when Fred and George left Hogwarts. They didn't have all those fireworks though. The two boys made a swamp, got caught and escaped with their brooms right in front of Dolores Umbridge. Super heartwarming talaga ng series na 'to. Masyado akong apektado.

***

My mom's boss gave her a white 1990something Toyota Corolla. Super bait. They moved from their old house in Forbes to a rented house while waiting for the construction of their smaller house in Magallanes Village to be finished. Since, they won't have enough parking space for all their cars, they sold some and gave my mom the other one. I'm learning how to drive! When Gladz texted me to say that I could drive to work once I learn how, I texted back to say that it won't be for work. It will be for road trips. Haha. Ooooh... my brothers are going to learn how to drive too. I can beg Gem to come with me to Alabang Town Center or Tagaytay after.

***

I went to the mall with my parents yesterday. I've been at home for four days that I didn't know whether it was a Saturday or Sunday. I totally forgot about the date after doing nothing for days. I'll be back to work tonight though. Bummer.

***
I've been belly dancing right? I love the two new cds I bought. They've helped a lot when it comes to making me sweat and lose weight.

feistylittle bitch
9:00 AM

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Decision, decision

When I think of work, it's mostly about having control over your destiny, as opposed to being at the mercy of what's out there.- Gary Sinise

***

I applied for a slot in PayPal Australia last month because of the morning schedule. I heard nothing for weeks about it until tonight. A guy from that account called and asked me if I was still interested. I said yes and he proceeded to tell me about my interview tomorrow night. After the call, a lightbulb just went up inside my head and something pushed me to change my mind. You know how gut feel is. You just feel that something's not right. So I texted my supervisor, my friends and Augy. I decided in less than ten minutes that I want to stay with my PayPal UK team. Fine, I won't get a morning shift like I always wanted but I realized that I'm doing okay with my team. My stats are doing good. I get a lot of encouragement from my sup. If I want to apply for something, she'll actually send a copy of my resume and recommendation to HR. She has copies of our resumes in her computer files. That's how supportive she is. Even if we want to stay in the team a little longer, we still apply for higher positions just to make her proud. I actually applied for another post early this month. So I let go of having a normal schedule to stay with Team Bradford until I find my place in the sun. My team rocks!

feistylittle bitch
9:03 AM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Heartbreak

What a depressing week. I filed for two vacation leaves more than a month ago for a much-awaited trip to the beach. I shopped for stuff last Saturday before watching the film, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Imagine my excitement about finally going to the sea after three years. I brighten up every time I see summer dresses and swimsuits in shop windows. I couldn't bottle up my excitement. I told my friends that I wouldn't be able to party at Embassy for our team's first anniversary because I would be somewhere in Batangas rolling around in the sand. Everybody was envious of my approved vacation leaves and my weekend at the beach. After so much stress, I knew I deserved a little break. But what's a promise but something more to break. I have to say goodbye to my beach fantasy this weekend. How many more promises to break? How many more false hopes for me? All I did these past few days was cry my heart out. You can slap me in the face or scream at me and I won't even flinch. But breaking my heart this way is just too much. I don't know what to do to release the pent up emotions. I cried buckets of tears already. I moped inside my room. I slept the whole day. I read my Harry Potter book. I cursed. I stuffed myself with food like there's no tomorrow. I still feel awful. I hate having that sickening feeling in the stomach. I feel angry. I feel depressed. I feel sorry for myself. There goes my hope of a wonderful weekend at the beach. And the fat tears start falling.

***

I hate you so much. But I hate myself more for believing you after all those broken promises. I guess you simply enjoy breaking my heart to do it all over again. Don't expect a girl to forgive you all the time like it's the easiest thing to do on earth. I don't need words. I don't need promises. I need actions.

feistylittle bitch
11:34 PM

Sunday, July 08, 2007

How OC are you?

I woke up happy today. Dizzy but happy. I've been having these killer headaches lately that the office nurse dismissed as migraine. So forgive me if I haven't been blogging. I can't stay up late during my rest days not unless I slept the whole day. Grabe, dumadami sakit ko.

Yesterday, I retired to bed even before my eyes started drooping because I'll meet Augy at Market! Market!. I was pretty excited to see him plus he'll bring the PS2 I bought for my brothers and the June issue of Marie Claire. The only magazine I collect. I was worried that I wouldn't get a copy because the July issue has come out. When he told me that he found a copy, I was so ecstatic. Just imagine my excitement at the thought of reading it in bed. I usually read it in my room so that I'll have enough space to avoid wrinkling the pages. I am so OC when it comes to my books and magazines. My room looks like a bodega because of my stash. I'm afraid I'm turning into a hoarder. Who cares? I'm happy with the way it is. So back to the Market! Market! episode. I was in Watson's when Augy told me that his boss borrowed my magazine. I almost fainted. I couldn't breathe with the thought that somebody had first dibs on my magazine. I don't want to read a magazine that people already flipped into, wrinkled and folded. Would you like it if somebody got into the crisp pages of your book or magazine before you do? Lupaypay na by the time na basahin ko? Where's the fun in that? Reading a magazine or a book is more than actually absorbing the words. I get a wonderful experience out of imagining how it is to get the book fresh from the publishing house. Parang pandesal fresh from the bakery. Mas masarap pag mainit at mabango di ba? Malamang ayoko singhutin ng iba yun before ko kainin. Ganun din sa reading materials. Ayoko na may daan na ng kamay ng ibang tao before ko basahin. I already got robbed of the enjoyment. Remember what I wrote last April in the 10 weird things about me?

4. I used to smell Nancy Drew books while reading them. I place the books close to my nose and sniff. I'd look at the words I find interesting and read them several times until I feel like I've absorbed them all.

8. I choose the people to whom I will lend my favorite books. I hate crumpled pages, I hate it when somebody opens the books too much to the point that it leaves a damage on the spine. Parang pang display ba books mo? Hehe.

I wanted to raise hell inside the mall. We went to the National Bookstore and Mercury Drug but there were no more copies of the June issue. I wanted to cry. I don't cry in the presence of other people because I don't want to be called a crybaby or be accused of being childish. But today was different. I didn't care anymore. I am not selfish. I am not a brat. Maingat lang ako sa gamit. Ganun kababaw ang kaligayahan ko. Super saya ko na pag nagbabasa ako tapos bagong-bago pa. So Augy went looking for a copy in the mall while I sat near Bossini and YRYS wanting to slaughter people. When he couldn't find one, we went to Glorietta. We found a copy that I later found out has wrinkles and folds in it. Super soft na ng pages. Siguro binasa na ng iba tapos binalot ulit para mabenta pa. I have it in my bedroom under the piles of my other magazines. I don't want to see it because my temper will just flare up. Sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, I cried buckets of tears while Gem tinkered with the computer outside and Kit played with the PS2. Augy told me that his boss returned the magazine already. I don't care about it. You probably have this thing about not getting less than what you deserve. Same with me. Ang babaw na nga ng kaligayahan ko tapos pinagkait pa sa akin. Magiging happy ba kayo pag ganun? Okay lang ba sa inyo na inasam-asam niyong magrelax sa Starbucks pagkatapos ng stressful day at naiimagine niyo na humihigop kayo ng kape sa favorite corner niyo sabay dumating ang isang kaibigan niyo na naunang pang tumikim ng kape mo? Oo, friend mo. Pero you got robbed of that beautiful moment whern you can smell the coffee and sip it slowly. Kaya nga masarap tumambay sa Starbucks eh. Kasama sa experience yung mismong place, smell and ambience. Puwede ka namang magtimpla ng Great Taste sa bahay pero ibang experience yun. Puwede naman akong humiram ng magazine sa ibang tao kung gusto ko lang basahin. Iba kasi yung pag-aalaga ng bookworm tapos OC sa reading materials dun sa ordinaryong nagbabasa lang. May pagmamahal at pag-aalaga ang super mahilig sa books. Isipin mo na lang ang reaction ng comic book collector kung nilukot mo ang pinagkakaingatan niyang comic book. Iba kasi pag crisp yung pages, sarap basahin. I have to admit na mainit ang ulo ko ngayon. Ayoko nga maisip ang disappointment kasi naiiyak ako. Kaya ayoko umasa kahit kailan sa iba kasi nahihirapan ako mag-get over sa disappointment. Sigh. Bakit ganun? Ang simple na lang ng kaligayahan ko hirap pa ako makuha. I don't care if people would think I'm a brat. Sila magbasa ng magazine na mukhang trash kung gusto nila. I will never settle for anything less than what I deserve. After all, I think the same way about other people. Kaya nga may Golden Rule.

feistylittle bitch
1:38 AM